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50 Years

October 17, 2009

 

I am nearly 50 years old.

I have, quite probably, lived more than half my life now.

And what have I to show for it? Really?

I have given a lot to the pursuit of a successful career, a comfortable home, a lovely and diverse set of friends, and church activities that don’t inconvenience me too much.  Hideous.

I have been far too concerned with perceptions, positioning myself where, by some soul-sick reasoning, I thought I was most effective within the boundaries of the comfortable lifestyle. And should I die today, and find myself face-to-face with the Son, who asked far more from me than I have given, what would I expect him to say? I am sure I would be mortified.

I am nearly 50 years old. I have quite probably less than half my life left to live. How will I live it?

Annie Dillard’s famous quote, “The way we live our days, is the way we live our lives,” is telling.

How shall I spend my days? Will my activities speak of a life focused on simply doing what the Creator of the Universe asks of me? Will my words ring of love, truth, joy; or be hollow placating, meaningless echos of a hollow, placating, meaningless life?

I am too old to not tell it like it is.

I am too old not to change.

God help me.

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